When most people think of Batman, they think of a man hungry for justice, not pussy.
But the rest of us like to imagine a man that gives women the orgasms they need, not the orgasms they deserve.
That's why I went looking for a game that could give me a closer look into the erotic city of Gotham - and I finally found it.
It's called Hard Knight Rises, and I've only heard good things about it so far, so let's check it out.
Everyone knows how many female villains Batman faces off against in the comics.
And although Batman defeats every one of them, they never receive more than a short prison sentence and a wag of the finger from Batman. So I'm hoping this game shows us how Batman would really punish these criminals - if you can call it punishment.
Anyways, It's time to check out this game and find out if it's worth your time.
From the moment you boot the game up, you can tell how hard the designers worked to make sure these models were gorgeous from head to toe. Other than the exaggerated curves, the art style is true to the series. Just beautiful.
The game starts with a simple mission: find (and fuck) Harley Quinn. Of course, it's Harley - the one character everybody and their mother wants to bang, thanks to Margot Robbie.
One of the most exciting parts of any sex game is the voice acting. I'm not talking about the moans and groans either. I'm talking about actual dialogue.
But sadly, there's no real dialogue in Hard Knight Rises. Instead, we have to deal with those text boxes that we sex-game addicts are all too familiar with.
I mean, reading text while you're playing a fuck game isn't a total dealbreaker, but this game could have been exponentially better if someone had done the voices for these iconic villains. Just saying.
Now that we've had a taste, let's dive into the features and see what this game truly has to offer.
Hard Knight Rises offers players more features than Batman has gadgets - and that's important if you want to make a good sex game. Let's check out some of my favorites.
Modern video games, in general, have incredible graphics - a feature that used to be a lot more important than actual game mechanics. And while normal video games might not need exceptional graphics, sex games definitely do.
That's why the creators of Hard Knight Rises went above and beyond the call of booty, in order to create unique models for every fuckable villain. That means no more vanilla body models with generic faces slapped onto them.
The sex in this sex game is damn-near perfect. I wouldn't say it's flawless, but the motion capture is definitely a step above your average sex game.
The villains you encounter will have different dialogue options for each "approach" you try on them. Some villains will confess their ever-lasting crush on you, while other's might need a little extra convincing.
Whatever your approach might be, the end result is always the same - hardcore sex. And what more could you ask for?
Clever Character Design
Other than being drop-dead gorgeous, Batman's female villains are equipped with different weapons and skills that make them unique.
So if you can imagine the crazy BDSM stuff Cat Woman is into, then you can certainly picture some of the activities Poison Ivy is capable of with those long vines at her disposal.
Batman exploits all of these abilities and weaknesses in this over-the-top sex game, so you can bet on some excitement.
A real hero like Batman would never charge an innocent bystander for his services, which is why the developers don't either.
Due to the vast amount of free sex games available on the internet today, developers aren't in a rush to charge you for their games. Instead, they just loan the game license out to other websites for a price.
That's why you can find this game for FREE online today.
That's right - free. This game doesn't even require a download, folks. You can play it on your phone, tablet, or personal computer completely free of charge.
You can't say that about the trainwreck known as "Batman: Arkham Knight " that was released on the Xbox One and PS4 back in 2015.
It's kind of wild that a game of this caliber could be released for free, but hey - I'm not arguing.
They might start charging when Hard Knight Rises 2 gets released, so soak in the free content while you still can.
When I play a fuck game, I want to fuck. I don't want to sit around for 20 minutes and skip through a novel of dialogue when I could be fucking Poison Ivy.
That's why I was excited to go on short, direct missions in this game. No bullshit. Just sex.
Obviously, there's a bit of dialogue before each session, but it's nothing compared to those shitty hentai games on steam going for $50 a pop.
Another delightful part about playing Hard Knight Rises has to be the physics. You know - the mechanic that makes the boobs giggle.
Lots of sex games these days focus too much on the story and completely skip over the part we all care about - the giggles.
This Batman game will have you begging for more just after the first boss fight (fuck), just because of the seductive way these iconic villains move alone.
It seems like secret levels can be found around every corner in this game, which is a pleasant surprise considering how short the base-game is. I mean, I must have fucked at least 4 of Batmans spandex-clad rivals before even stepping foot near the first boss fight.
The sexual positions in this game are out of this world. One minute you're fucking Poison Ivy while she hangs from a pipe like she's using a sex swing, and the next, you're entering Harley Quinn while you're holding her in the air like a sex doll.
I've even heard about secret positions you can unlock by entering a specific cheat code, but I haven't been able to pull it off yet. Well, I was able to pull myself off a couple of times, but I don't think that counts.
One of the few issues I have with the game lies with the position changes. I get that it's hard to do motion capture for games like this, but they could at least make an animation that transitions the sexual positions a little smoother.
Right now, you can expect hard-cuts where those transitions should be. You know, the ones where Batman is fucking like a stallion one second, and then posing in front of the moonlight next.
It can feel a little disjointed at times, but not enough to pull you out of the game.
The lack of voice acting Hard Knight Rises is a little disappointing. I don't expect a full team of voice actors to work for weeks on end, but a few boss lines here and there wouldn't hurt.
A few of the villains have a strange transition into their sex scenes. For example, you might walk into a room and notice Roxy Rocket sitting there. The next thing you know, Batman is mounting her on a rooftop, and you can't help but feel a little confused.
I'm not saying that these scenes should have a complete backstory, but some added continuity would be appreciated.
I've played my fair share of Batman sex games, but never have I experienced a game quite like this.
The models for each villain are unique, and the sex animations are more than acceptable.
Other than the lack of voices and the strange animation gaps, this game is as close to flawless as a free sex game can get.
You can really tell how hard the developers worked to make your vigilante fantasies come to life when you play the game in one sensual sitting as I did.
But I can't help but feel like this game missed a few easy lay-ups along the way.
Hopefully, next time these guys make a game, they'll throw in a few more characters - maybe even some DC villains we aren't used to seeing in a Batman game? I don't know. Just throwing ideas out.
Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with this game, and I would most definitely recommend it, anyone. It doesn't matter if you were born into the sex game world, or merely adopted it - you will enjoy this game.
And for that reason, I'm giving this game 4/5 stars. It's fun, direct, and erotic. Plain and simple.
Go check it out for yourself so that you can start squirting your justice all over the face of evil.